Not Even One Tear

Well I knew it couldn’t last.  Today My People packed up all my belongings and put me in the car.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  My dishes, my crate (CAGE!), my pink blanky, my fence, my blue towel, my pillows, my Gulpy, my leash, even my food and my treats.  The worst was when The Lady gathered up all my beloved toys.  I thought she’d at least want to keep my Blue Lizard or my Rakunk or my Skin Crab to remember me by, but nothin’ doing.  She put every last toy into a suitcase and zipped it up, very efficient and businesslike, not a tear, not a frown, not even a furrowed brow.  At first I ran frantic circles around their feet and tried to stop them, especially when The Man heaved my 42” crate (CAGE!) into the back of the truck, but they didn’t even notice me.  Finally I just gave up and sat on my little rug in the bedroom under the drapes, wallowing in complete despair.  I’m surprised they didn’t snatch the rug right out from under me and get rid of that too.  The truck was positively exploding with my stuff.  I did notice a few other bags in the car, but they were tiny compared to the girth of my belongings.  As usual, I sat on The Lady’s lap for the car ride, but this time I tried to spread out across both of them, putting my paws on The Man’s legs and wedging my head between his belly and the steering wheel.  I figured maybe if I were extra pitiful they would change their mind.  (I have a nasty feeling this might have something to do the mouth sized purple bruise I put on the Lady’s arm the other night when we got into a little tussle over the stupid doormat. Hummm…  I still say she should have let me eat it.)  They seem to forget about my keen sense of direction, chatting with each other in cheery tones, while I was sick with certainty that we were headed toward Evil Steve and Wicked Wanda’s Horrible House of Badness.  About halfway down the jammed 5 freeway, I got the idea that if both The Lady and The Man passed out while we were driving then we wouldn’t make it all the way and they couldn’t give me back.  I did my best to manufacture and squeeze out as many of the worst nasty bad smells as possible, one after the other, but My People just gagged and pulled their shirts over their noses like robbers and rolled down the windows.  Short of chewing through the dashboard to ignite the airbags, it seemed nothing was going to stop them from returning me to the Siblings of Satan, so I just sat in the middle of The Lady’s squishy thighs and hung my enormous head into the foot well and willed myself to sleep.  I wished I could just sleep forever so I wouldn’t have to wake up on the dark side to Evil Steve’s felonious ways and Wicked Wanda’s parade of so-called boyfriends.